News

Parenting and Child Guidance | 2 December 2008

Tina Hamilton-James from Parkwood Psychological Therapy in Bristol gave us much food for thought about the effect of divorce and separation on children she gave us a list of Do's and Don'ts

Do:

• Put the children first.
• Listen to them, love them and keep them safe.
• Remember that parental separation will cause them a great deal of anxiety, even if they manage to hide it from you.
• Tell the children it's not their fault.
• Tell them what's happening. That means the events that will effect who is where, when and their day to day routines - not the squabbles between parents.
• Listen to what they have to say about it all. Let them talk uninterrupted until they've finished or until they ask a question.
• Help them to ride the storm. Tell them it will be hard and no one can stop the hurt.
• Tell them that they will always be a family even though they won't all be living together.
• Understand that children can find it so hard to manage both parents (sides) that they may refuse to see one parent for a while.
• Support the children's relationship with the other parent.
• Continue to love and discipline them as before.
• Keep changes to a minimum.
• Tell the teachers about the changes and ask for their support in ways you think the child needs it.
• Allow yourself to cry in front of them. Crying is a normal response to sadness and it will give the child "permission" to do the same.
• Tell them they will be safe even if their parents no longer live together.

Don't

• Criticise the other parent.
• Assume anyone can take away the child's pain. Parents can make it worse by lying or blaming but there's no painless way for children to accept that their parents are separating.
• Try and keep away their pain by withholding important information.Children recover from adversities like this with good support and modelling by parents. What is crutial to limiting the damage is how the child is helped through the process, not by trying to prevent it touching them.
• Ask them if they still love you. They won't ever say "no" and they can't manage insecure parents as well as their own turmoil.
• Fight in front of them. This is one of the most damaging painful things for a child to experience.
• Use them as messengers.
• Ask them to hide information about anything.
• Ask questions about the other parent.
• Look to the children for emotional support. Provide it for them instead.
• Try and "buy" their love and approval.
• Tell them the details of the separation/divorce.
• Automatically assume that because a child doesn't want to see one parent, that the other parent has "made" them say that or has "poisoned" them in some way. Children are compassionate beings and as such will usually give preference to the parent whom they see as being the most upset by the separation.

Thanks to Tina for this very useful guide.

The Art of Resolution | 4 November 2008

The POD welcomed Chris Mills from Landman Mills Associates who we had invited to tell us about his experiences as a collaborative coach.

Chris started by describing the differeces between coaching and counselling and what was to be achieved by each. He emphasised that with coaching there was a specific target which was to assist the clients in getting through the collaborative process, no such specific target was involved in counselling.

Chris has had experience as a collaborative coach, mainly with the Bath POD and he gave us an account of the dynamics and challenges encountered by him and emphasised that every case trows up something new. He observed how the different team members at debrief perceived things in different ways. In his experience no way was right and no way wrong.He has coached couples in the process and is now looking at the individual coaching model.

We discussed the confidentiality aspects and how he controlled the individual clients. We also discussed with the three coaches who attended how they would approach a first call to or from the client and also the importance of getting the timing right.

Grateful thanks was given for his attendance and description of his role.

Role of the Coach | 7 October 2008

We were enlightened and educated by our two Collaborative Coaches Dr Sylvia Chudley and Peter Silvien about the role and types of coaching they do and can offer our clients. They both offer coaching by telephone as well as face to face. They said that their experience was that telephone coaching worked well giving the clients the comfort and security of their own surroundings and flexibility to fit around the clients often tight daily schedules.

We were joined by our own members as well as three guests who were interested in the collaborative process. There was lively discussion with examples of where we thought the coaches may have had a role with our clients and what they could have provided the clients to assist them through the trauma of family disputes.

Thank you Sylvia and Peter for taking the time to support the POD and for a most interesting evening.

POD Invitation Evening | 11 September 2008

More than 60 business people attended the launch of Gloucestershire’s Collaborative Family Law Pod. The pioneering service is a new way for divorcing or separating couples to work together with trained professionals to deal with family and child disputes.

Specially trained family lawyers from seven local solicitors' practices - Alison Fielden & Co and Stone King Sewell in Cirencester, Thomson & Bancks in Tewkesbury, Davey Franklin Jones in Cirencester & Gloucester and Davis Gregory, Rickerbys and Willans in Cheltenham - are working to offer the service to people in the county.

For the launch, which took place at Rickerbys in Cheltenham, they were joined by other family lawyers, financial advisors, accountants, mediators and therapists, all of whom were keen to hear about the Pod and its approach.

“People in Gloucestershire deserve this service,” said Thomson & Bancks solicitor John Sherahilo, liaison officer for the Pod.

“All sorts of issues arise out of the breakdown of a relationship and the traditional approach has been to go to court to try to resolve them. The collaborative process gives divorcing or separating couples or civil partners a way to resolve disputes respectfully and equitably without having to go to court. A variety of other professionals can be brought into help couples, including financial advisors, accountants, mediators and therapists. In helping them to focus on their most important goals, especially their children, it provides a civilised and non-confrontational way to separate as painlessly as possible."

IFA's Presentation | 1 July 2008

We were pleased to welcome Clive Weir to our POD meeting on the 1st July, when we were joined by a number of IFA's who were interested in the process and some who had already trained.

Clive explained the role of the IFA in the collaborative process and the training involved and the high expectations of Resolution.

The talk was followed by a number of questions and general discussions on the process.

Grateful thanks was given to Clive for coming to our meeting and for his support.

Creation of the POD | 1 April 2008

On the first of April 2008 the collaborative solicitors in Gloucestershire met to discuss the start of a new POD and all agreed it was time to start a collaborative POD in Gloucestershire.

A number of the members were already members of other PODs in the geogrphical areas but felt it would benefit the people of Gloucestershire to start a local POD to offer this service.

The solicitor members are based in Cheltenham, Cirencester and Tewkesbury and together are able to offer the collaborative service to the whole of the Gloucestershire area.